| Back after nearly 2 years... |
[11 Apr 2008|10:29pm] |
And what a shocker I'm STILL a fuckin mess. How have you been? Actually that's a rhetorical question. I've been reading everyone else's journals for 2 years but I just haven't posted. Lame.
Anyways as usual I can't keep my head straight. I keep making shaky decisions and I have no idea what I'm doing. My panic attacks and OCD and depression/mania are at an all time peak and I feel like I'm gonna scream at any given moment and jump out of my own skin.
Listening to my iTunes though I found a song that sums me up SO fucking brilliantly I could have sworn I wrote it.
Slow Burn
It begins with a dark glowing ember,
something black burning it's way out of me.
Searing the flesh,
pain is the only thing I feel,
scars all I see.
Oh no the fire's burning my insides again,
what can I do to silence my desire tonight?
Flames consuming reason leaving only ashes left
you will catch me for regretting my decision,
I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear,
I can't just close my eyes.
I know that it's killing me,
and it's poisoning the best in me,
but I say, I don't want to believe.
what i see, I don't want to believe.
So let me tell you more
about the lies I lead.
That is how i choose to douce the flames in gasoline
Broken teeth replace the blackout memories in my head
Wreckage from the past haunts me, shake me to the bone
I know it's over but I can't go home tonight.
But after this I feel as empty as the night before,
feel the pain and yet I'm still begging for more.
Masochistic, nihilistic, urging backward thought
My life's a mess and I can't find a way to fix it.
I can't keep telling myself what I want to hear,
I can't just close my eyes
(my eyes, my eyes, my fucking eyes)
I know that it's killing me,
and it's poisoning the best of me,
What I see, I don't want to believe.
So let me tell you more, tell you more,
about the lies I lead.
Calling, calling out.
The darkest reaches of my soul,
are riddled with self-doubt.
Crawling, crawling out,
my will to fight will more than suffice,
when others would lay down.
It's only as dark as you make it.
I know that it's killing me,
and it's poisoning the best of me,
but I say, I don't want to believe.
So let me tell you more, tell you more
about the lies I lead.
|
|
| MY BAND IS PLAYNG |
[17 Jul 2006|01:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Johnny Cash |
] |
Be there or fuckin die!
|
|
| ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ |
[08 Sep 2005|10:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I Am Ghost - We Are Always Searching |
] |
I feel tired today...again.....do I look tired?
|
|
| Yummy |
[23 Aug 2005|09:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 horny |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bad Religion- Delirum of Disorder |
] |
So I went to 7-11 last night.
(For those of you who don't know I LOVE convience stores;mostly 7-11 or am/pm; and I go to one every single day)
You know the serve yourself chili/nacho cheese dispenser? Well this is what it looked like:
Fucking priceless.
|
|
| Trashed and scattered |
[22 Aug 2005|10:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
horny |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
None---I'm trying to concentrate |
] |
So yeah. Our reunion party/show was AWESOME!! We played really good, a ton of people showed up and after we played we all got WASTED.
Then the next day we had an engagement party for our friends that are gettin hitched. His dad is a gazillionaire so the party was OUT OF CONTROL and we got even MORE wasted than the night before....
SO needless to say this is what I look like today
|
|
| Just for Jenn |
[19 Aug 2005|09:09am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Death By Stereo - Entombed We Collide |
] |
Well apparently my middle finger in the previous post was weak so here:
EDIT*I took the picture down cuz I realized how FUCKING HORRIBLE I LOOKED*
|
|
| Attention |
[18 Aug 2005|04:13pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pennywise - Yell Out |
] |
My cowboy shirt rules:
*kiss*
|
|
| Now you know |
[17 Aug 2005|01:31pm] |
SO I know you're thinking "Josh how do you keep it going all day? The job , the drumming, the incredible sex?"
The answer?
BOO KOO!
|
|
| WHat the fuck |
[17 Aug 2005|09:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Pennywise- Knocked Down |
] |
SO I wanna update this thing more cuz it's good to rant and rave but I dont think anyone even reads it....
Fuck it....
Man I'm so busy at work my head is spinning. But it's awesome cuz when your on commission busy=$$$$$$
Behold my new sensitive guy picture
|
|
| My Status |
[06 Jul 2005|09:41am] |
|
I am just an atom in an ectoplasmic sea
Without direction or a reason to exist.
The anechoic nebula rotating in my brain
Is persuading me, contritely, to persist
|
|
| 666 |
[01 Jul 2005|10:02am] |
|
I used to be golden.
A Saint in a time of Sorrow.
But then the turning came and I kissed the sun goodbye.
Don't you get it?
It's always darker in my eyes
The screams, of my brotheres egging me on.
|
|
| Whoa |
[24 Jun 2005|08:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Hungover |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Johnny Cash |
] |
I got way too trashed last night.
But Rick needed to go out and kick it. His sister passed away so we went out for a drink.
I'm hung over with a ton of work to do.
Bummer.
|
|
| Shoe Whore |
[22 Apr 2005|11:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
Have you seen my creepers? They rock. Plain, black and simple
I'm in love with them. I've had em for years.
Plus they make me taller.
|
|
| Look! |
[18 Apr 2005|11:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
busy |
] |
I got a mutha fuckin camera phone!!
Not too shabby huh?
PS My beard rocks.
|
|
|
[14 Apr 2005|04:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
Stef is mean.
I should punch her.
But I don't like to hit girls.
Unless they ask me to.
|
|
| Fuckin rad flashback. |
[06 Apr 2005|11:53am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Typing. I fuckin busy over here. |
] |
I got a little drunk on whitecranberry juice and vodka last night and watched old episodes of the Animaniacs. It was so fun.
|
|
| I'm fuckin business class now. |
[29 Mar 2005|11:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
<- This guy sux |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Phone Conversations |
] |
I'm sitting at my new desk, in a my new clothes talking on the phone with mortagage lenders, borrowers, title companies, escrow, apparaisers and all sorts of other shit. Man this is crazy.
Anyways, I miss Safeguard cuz I had friends there. I mean I have family here but I don't get to just shoot the shit with them. I email the ole SG all the time though. No one over there has emails that are funny so they are bummin without me! (Ego X 10)
Anyways. This entry blows.
I can't wait to get paid.
|
|
| Corporate Greed |
[25 Mar 2005|10:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
No Music in this office |
] |
So I FINALLY got a new job. FUCK YEAH!
My cousin called me to work for his mortgage company and after careful consideration I decided I would definatley accept his offer of nearly 100K a year. I wish he would have called sooner!
SO anyways I'm at my new desk (which is fuckin money by the way) working on peoples loans.
The nice thing is there is a lot of chillin time for me to cruise the net, eat a nice lunch and the such.
Sorry I haven't been posting lately but you can see I've been busy. I have been reading everyones journals though. I just don't have time to write in mine very often.
So a BIG *SMOOCH* to all my lj buddies who haven't taken me off of thier friends list yet!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
agent138's journal